The Aspie Apple Doesn’t Fall too Far…

The parents of a newly diagnosed Aspie child have come to my office in order to learn all about Asperger’s and better understand and parent their child.  They are hearing and reading descriptions of common patterns and behaviors and thinking, “Hey! This sounds a lot like someone else I know!” 

The sensitivities and tendencies of their child often are mirrored in one of the parent.  As they contemplate the narrowed interests of their child, they realize their husband or wife may also have only a few select areas of interest and considerable expertise in a particular area.  One of these “special interests” may have led them to a very successful career that occupies much of their focus, even to the exclusion of social and family events.  Learning about their child’s deficit in social skills may remind a parent of their spouse’s awkwardness in social situations.  That awkwardness used to be somewhat charming but now serves to limit how much they go out as a couple.  Invitations from friends dwindle and the negatives of Asperger’s can become a source of great tension in the relationship. 

However, upon learning about Asperger’s, and how that particular brain is wired differently socially and cognitively, a couple may be able to come to a different understanding.  What may have been perceived as arrogance or unwillingness to empathize is now seen for what it is, a difference in how their brain is wired.  A new and enlightened perspective can help.

As a spouse recognizes and learns about Asperger’s, a couple can renegotiate expectations and substantially improve the relationship.  It may be different than other relationships, but different can be good!  Honesty, loyalty, and perseverance are wonderful strengths.  These are a few of the strengths common in Asperger’s. 

Tap into good resources for information and support: 

·        Books like Tony Attwood’s The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome and Solutions for Adults With Asperger Syndrome, by Juanita Lovett may be helpful. 

·        Get support for yourself and possibly your spouse.  There may be support groups in your area that could be a great help. 

·        Counseling with a professional familiar with Asperger’s could prove to be a pivotal part of maximizing your relationship. 

·        Be patient and eager to learn.  You will never regret your efforts.

Jonathan Feather, Psy.D.

Southeast Psych